Ah, so you think you’re an adult.

This article appeared in Stiletto Point on the 6th of October 2013

I think we can all agree that adulthood doesn’t magically descend upon you when you turn 18. In fact usually, you are an idiotic baby at that age, sloshing over with naivety and babyfat. The definition of adult is also one that needs to be renewed. Right now adulthood is equated to property ownership, money and routine.

I say you are an adult when you like yourself, know how to relate civilly with people you don’t like and are working towards fulfilling a dream. Any dream.

Here are some of the things that when learned will confirm that you have attained adulthood (in my esteemed opinion). This is for the ladies.

Being able to boldly and directly ask a dude out (if you’re hetero):

We women have been trained to wait for the male gaze to descend upon us, then wait for the male to approach, then wait for him to initiate sex, then wait for him to pop the diamante studded question. Come on. If you like a guy, you like a guy. Tell him you like him. 

Being able to take bold and direct rejection:

Yea so after you have told him, there is half a chance that he will say no, sorry, I don’t want you. I promise that it is not the end of the world. It will sting, but your reaction will set the tone of things. No getting pissed. No whining, “But whyyyy”. Taking rejection is a life skill. It earns you the titles of Gentlelady and heroine.

How to hover pee: As we grow older, our lives expand. We start going to different offices, homes and parties. Learn how to pee without sitting down. It will give you thighs of steel and reduces the likelihood of you contracting gross diseases like candida.

How to save money: Madam, you don’t have to take the whole shop home with you. You however need to eat and be comfortable until you next get money. Open a smart plan account and let the bank people make a decent saver out of you.

How to make small talk: The hustle requires networking and networking requires for you to converse clearly and somewhat interestingly. I have found that the best way to be interesting is to listen because everybody loves attention.

Memorize the phone numbers of at least three people who are not your parents. Sometimes, adulthood involves making the decision to raucously party at the back of a car, in an abandoned parking lot. When the police happen upon you, and you discover that you have misplaced your phone, you don’t want to be stuck with the option of calling your parents for help.

How to Jump boat:  You know you have to end things when a relationship has gone so bad that every moment you remain in it, you putrefy on the inside and hate your life and your friends hate you because you cannot shut up about the misery in your soul. Sometimes you need to break your own heart. It hurts like death, but only for a few months.

How to talk yourself down: Not every emotion needs to be expressed. You can be angry, jealous, disgusted, etc. and make yourself relax enough to avoid losing relationships or making a situation needlessly awkward.

How to be alone: It is essential that you become able to walk into an event where you know absolutely nobody and swallow your feelings of fear, and the paranoia that you look stupid and lonely. Try to immerse yourself in the reason you went there in the first place. Friends do not make an event. You do.

How to talk money: Women are famously, even statistically terrible at discussing salaries and payment in general. Look, stop feeling like an imposter. You deserve that money. You have been given an opportunity to set your price. Make it high, and then negotiations can begin.

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